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Welcome to Chris and Quang's Blog. Happy Algorasming.
Quang
is
the
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algorasm: n. (Origin: blend of algorithm + orgasm) A sudden, short-lived moment of pleasure enjoyed by the programmer when the final kludge rings the bell.
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(Chris finally slowly gets up)
Chris: Ah, I’m never drinking again. I mean, wake up you idiot.
(Chris kicks Quang in the stomach. Quang also slowly gets up)
Quang: Whoa, what just happened?
Chris: I think we just got the shit beat out of us by two women.
Quang: Cool. That means they actually touched us.
Chris: Score. We’re slowly wooing them. Let’s celebrate.
Quang: ROADTRIP!
Chris: What the hell retard. Cars haven’t been invented yet.
Quang: Oh yea, my bad.
Chris: Well, we are one step closer into getting into their pants. Some would say our hands are one inch closer. And it is for these reasons why we should be celebrating.
Quang: God bless America.
Chris: What? Aren’t we in Australia?
(Chris and Quang leave the New Earth Westfield’s. As they search for a place to, they find a peculiar store)
Chris: So I was thinking that we should hire some strip…
(Quang slaps Chris and points at the building)
Quang: Can it be?
Chris: It must be. Yes, it is!
Chris and Quang: It’s the all new McGodalds.
(Chris and Quang rush inside and walk up to the counter)
Quang: I think that I’ll have the cheese, no, the mcfatty, no, the quarter, no.
(Chris slaps Quang on the back of his head)
Chris: Hurry up man, I want to eat.
Quang: Ok, ok. Relax. I’ll have three Cheese Burgers, seven large chips and a tub of cola. What about you Chris.
Chris: I’m on a bit of a diet. Trying to watch my weight. I’ll have a filet-o-fish burger since that has fish, which is healthy I think. I’ll also have one large chips but only filled to half way, only HALF way. And I’ll have a bucket of HALF diet-coke HALF normal coke. I’m trying to watch my figure.
(Chris and Quang receive their food and put it on God’s tab because they are tight asses)
Chris: Finally, some good food.
Quang: Yeah. None of these ‘healthy’ meals which are ‘good’ for you.
Chris: You know what, it think McGodalds is going to hit big and spread over millions of cities and people are going to like it so much they’ll become obese and get diabetes.
Quang: You’re talking crazy talk.
Narrator: “After Chris and Quang had finished their food, they left their waste on the table, because they are tight asses. They then decide to build a wooden object to try to impress the women.”
Chris: Hey look, a tree. Maybe we could ask it for its wood.
Quang: I never knew trees could get wood.
Chris: Quang you idiot, they are made of it.
Quang: Oh, I thought you were speaking about a different type of wood.
Chris: Whatever. Come on, let’s get some wood and try to impress the girls.
Narrator: “After countless hours, Chris and Quang had completed their wooden object and were very impressed with themselves.”
Chris: Feast your eyes on it Quang.
Quang: What is it?
Chris: It is a wooden horse.
Quang: I can see the wooden but not the horse.
(Chris and Quang focus on the wooden object to find out that it is a large wooden penis)
Chris: What, how can this be?
(Chris gets out the instructions manual)
Chris: According to this IKEA manual, it should be some sort of Trojan horse.
Quang: I never knew that IKEA existed. I never knew Switzerland existed.
Chris: Again with the questions.
Quang: Well, what now?
Chris: I guess we go find the girls.
Quang: But you don’t have a license.
Chris: You don’t need a license to operate a penis.
(Chris and Quang slowly roll off into the distance)
Narrator: “Meanwhile, Eunice and Jessica were tanning themselves at the beach which God miraculously conjured up.”
Eunice: It’s about time I got a good tan.
Jessica: Should I be wearing anything?
Eunice: Yes. We are ladies, not whores.
Jessica: What’s a whore?
Eunice: It is someone who will do anything to be paid.
Jessica: Ok. Where are my clothes?
Eunice: There are. Wait. We were never given clothes. We have been walking around naked.
Jessica: I knew but I couldn’t be bothered telling you.
(The women, realising that they were naked, found some clothes and continued to tan. Suddenly, Chris and Quang enter)
Chris: Look out! Wood coming through!
Quang: Chris!
Chris: Look out!
Quang: CHRIS!
Chris: What?
Quang: We aren’t moving.
Chris: Oh.
Eunice: Oh great. They’ve returned.
Chris: Fear not beautiful ones. Don’t be afraid of our transport vessel.
Jessica: Isn’t it a large wooden woody?
Chris: It may be. But it is our gift to you.
Eunice: You idiot. Pornography hasn’t been invented yet.
Quang: I told you it was a stupid idea.
(Chris slaps Quang in the face)
Chris: Shut up you idiot. We need to use this to get some action.
Eunice: You’re going to do more then that.
Chris: I wasn’t talking to you.
(Eunice looks angry)
Chris: So Quang. We need to come up with a plan.
(Quang begins to look scared)
Chris: I was thinking that we should get some candles.
(Quang looks terrified and begins to point behind Chris)
Chris: What’s wrong with you, you retard?
(Bo turns around and there is Eunice with a 2 by 4. Eunice beats the shit out the Chris. Quang runs away scared for his life. Eunice and Jessica leave whilst Chris is motionless and bleeding on the ground. A bird craps on Chris’s head)
Quang: Chris? Are you alright?
Chris: Do I look alright to you?
(Chris slowly gets up)
Chris: Where did the girls go?
Quang: Some place called ‘Supre’.
Chris: I thought they said they weren’t whores. They are hypocrites.
Quang: What’s Supre?
Chris: I think you’re better off not knowing.
Quang: What should we do now?
Chris: You know what! We aren’t going to find them. We are going to stay here, create a campsite and wait for them.
Quang: What if someone else gets to them before us?
Chris: Who else is there?
Quang: That guy.
(Quang points to Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris: You should not fear me. I will not take your women from you.
Chris: Then why are you here o awesome one?
Chuck Norris: I am here because my awesomeness couldn’t be contained in my prison cell in heaven. I managed to get out by round-house kicking God in the stomach.
Quang: You managed to kick God?
Chuck Norris: Of course I did. I’m Chuck Norris.
Chris and Quang: Wow!
Chuck Norris: Now I must be off. I am needed in Vietnam to kill some communist Viet Cong.
(Chuck Norris flies off into the distance)
Chris: Anyway, we should start making camp.
(Chris and Quang spend 10 hours creating a camp. The camp is made up of two houses, a fire and a large pole in the middle)
Chris: It is magnificent!
Quang: Wait, do we have any electricity or fresh water?
Chris: Electricity hasn’t been invented yet and we never drink. That is what makes us awesome.
Quang: Your mum’s awesome.
Narrator: “And thus, the ‘your mum’ joke was invented. It would be reused again by a boy called Christopher Hasouros. He will become a man of great randomness. Anyway, now Eunice and Jessica had been walking for kilometers and were getting tired”
Eunice: I am so tired.
Narrator: “They then realised that Chris and Quang had created a camp. But they decided to keep walking. Ironically they had walked in a large circle and were at the camp site”
Chris: Now, we need to hunt for food.
Quang: So we don’t drink but we still have to eat?
Chris: Of course you idiot. Now grab that spear and follow me.
(Chris and Quang walk through some trees and Chris spots the girls)
Chris: Look Quang. Our first catch of the day.
Quang: What is it? A deer? A Squirrel?
Chris: Nay. It is anything far more beautiful.
Quang: Your mum?
Chris: No. Women. Wait.
Quang: Ha ha, you just implied that your mum isn’t a woman!
(Chris slaps Quang on the back of the head)
Chris: Shut up you idiot. Now you’ve ruined the joke.
Quang: Oh sorry everyone.
Chris: Stop talking to them. They don’t know we can hear them.
Quang: Oh. Ok.
Chris: Ok. Now we need a plan to capture our prey.
Quang: Why don’t we spear them?
Chris: No. We need to woo them first before doing that. I think we should use this tiny net to catch them. First I’ll distract them and you throw the net.
Quang: Oh oh. I want to do the distraction.
(Quang puts on a cute face)
Chris: Ok. I guess it doesn’t matter who does the distraction. Ok take positions.
(Chris sneaks behind the girls next to a tree. Quang gets ready to jump out in front of them)
Quang: Whispering Hey Chris, check this ou… whoa!
(Quang stacks it and falls in-front of the girls)
Eunice: Eek. It’s that freak again.
Jessica: Hey, don’t be so mean.
(Jessica runs to Quang to help him up)
Jessica: Not everyone can jump properly. You’re being racist.
Eunice: How can I be racist when there aren’t any races?
Jessica: What?
Quang: NOW CHRIS!
(Chris jumps behind the girls and chucks the tiny net at them. It land on Eunice’s head)
Chris: Ha! We have caught you. Now who’s the stupid one?
(Eunice takes the tiny net off her head and chucks it at Chris. Chris gets hit in the eye by the corner)
Chris: Blast! Foiled by my own net!
Eunice: Come on Jessica. I think I know where we can find some shelter.
(Eunice and Jessica walk off)
Quang: How much walking do they do? Are they some sort of athletes?
Chris: No you idiot. They are probably on their periods.
(The writer gets beaten up by a bunch of women)
Chris: I now have this sudden urge to go expel some urine.
Quang: Yea, I need to take a dump.
(Chris and Quang walk into the public toilet. Chris walks into the urinal. Quang walks into the cubical)
Chris: Hey Quang. Check what it says on the wall. ‘For a good time call Quang’s Mum on 0416583943’.
Quang: Oh yea, well it says here ‘For a good time call Chris’s Dad’.
Chris: EW, gross man. Don’t you know your talking about God?
Quang: Whatever.
Chris: Well I’m done. I think we need to try to impress the girls with our intelligence.
Quang: Yea, cause they’re like all brainy and stuff.
Chris: Come on. We’ll think about stuff on the way to their shelter.
(Chris and Quang walk out of the public toilets. They enter the girl’s shelter)
Chris: Hey ladies.
Eunice: Oh, great. You found our shelter.
Chris: But this is our shelter.
Eunice: No it’s not. Yours is just that hole over there.
(Eunice points to a hole which has two deeper hole used for beds)
Chris: Oh yea. Anyway, did you know that people eat an average of 8 spiders in there life whilst they are asleep?*
Jessica: EW.
Quang: Oh yea. And did you know that Dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure apart from humans?*
Eunice: You’re both sick.
Chris: Also, did you know that daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples’ anal gases?*
Eunice: Wtf.
Quang: And during an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.*
Eunice: That’s it. Get out!
(Eunice throws her shoe and them. Chris and Quang run away fearing their lives)
Quang: Man, what’s up her panties.
Chris: Well there used to be blood.
(The writer again gets mauled by a group of angry women)
Narrator: “And this concludes the first part of the ‘Legend of Chris and Quang’. This abrupt ending has occurred as the writer of this story, Chris, has gone to Greece for 3 weeks. So sucked in everyone else who has to go to school! WOOHOO PARTY!”
(Someone whispers in the narrator’s ear)
Narrator: “Hm…yes…What? He’s back? Shi…Ok. We continue this epic story, or battle if you will. But not battle compared to a DotA battle. There are some intense battles going on over there……”.
(Narrator is bashed for mentioning DotA)
Chris: Dude, maybe we should just give up.
Quang: Yea, what were the chances of two idiots hooking up with two girls?
(Chris slaps Quang on the back of the head)
Chris: You’re the only idiot around here idiot.
Quang: Oh yea, well you’re a butt-head.
Chris: Your mum’s a butt-head.
Quang: Hey! Don’t take my joke!
(Quang jumps on top of Chris and starts trying to kick him)
Chris: Get off me you idiot!
(Chris kicks Quang in the nuts. Quang lays unconscious on the floor)
Chris: Well. Now what?
(A ball fly’s out of no-where and hits Chris in the nuts. Both Chris and Quang now lay unconscious on the ground. After some time Quang gets up)
Quang: Oh, my balls. When will this end!?
(Chris gets up slowly)
Chris: That’s the last time I get hit by someone’s balls.
Quang: Come on Chris, let’s go home. I guess we are just doomed to never hook up.
(God looks down on them with pity. He changes the girl’s minds to allow them to go out. This process takes hours as girl’s minds are the most complex things in the world. The writer gets hit by a fridge, thrown by feminists)
Eunice: You know what? I think that we should give those two morons a chance. Maybe they can be sensible in a formal matter.
Jessica: Oh oh oh. What dress should I wear?
Eunice: We don’t have any dresses.
(Eunice and Jessica look at each other excited, a bit too excited)
Eunice and Jessica: SHOPPING SPREE!!!
(Queue moans for any boys out there)
Eunice: Where should we go first?
Jessica: What should we get?
Eunice: Nothing too nice, it is only the first date.
Jessica: We should just wear jeans and a nice top.
Eunice: Sure. Here’s a jeans shop now.
(Eunice and Jessica walk into the shop)
Narrator: “I have been called here to announce a message to any readers out there. If you thought the creation of the planets was long, you obviously haven’t been jeans shopping for girls. If you manage to get one pair in a day, congratulations.”
(After 1 week, Eunice and Jessica walk out with 1 pair of jeans each and 1 top each. P.S: Not bought from SUPREE, they aren’t cheap asses)
Jessica: Ok, now all we need to do is find these guys.
Eunice: That’s easy. If I know men, their main weaknesses are cars and beer.
(Eunice whistles and a car filled with beer drops from the sky)
Chris: Whoa! Sudden…Urge…To…Run…This…Way!
Quang: Same! Slowly…Getting…Pulled…Towards….General….Area…
(Chris and Quang fly off towards the girls. Before they have a chance to stop they hit the car)
Chris: What the hell? Where did this come from?
Quang: So metaly and so…so… Beautiful!
Chris: And look! Beer!
Quang: What’s beer?
Chris: How would I know? Just get some!
(Chris and Quang jump into the car and try to grab a can of beer. Whilst this is all happening the girls are standing there)
Eunice: Ah, guys? Guys? GUYS!
(Chris and Quang poke their heads out of the pile of beer cans.
Chris: Hey, what are you doing here?
Eunice: Well it is my car?
Quang: What? Girls can’t drive.
(The writer is again mauled by a group of feminists)
Chris: Something tells me you’re in a lot of trouble Quang.
Quang: Why?
(Quang spontaneously combusts)
Quang: AHH! I just spontaneously combusted!
Chris: Told you so.
(Chris pours beer over Quang to kill the fire)
Jessica: But I thought alcohol enhances fires.
(They all look at Jessica confused)
Jessica: I mean. I wonder how I look in pink.
Eunice: Wait, alcohol does enhance fires.
Quang: Hey, as long as the fire is gone I’m happy.
(Eunice being right, Quang spontaneously combusted again)
Quang: AHH! Not again!
(Jessica pours water over Quang. The fire dies)
Quang: Thanks.
Jessica: Don’t mention it.
(Awkward silence)
Chris: So, why did you want to see us?
(Eunice looks at Jessica. Jessica is staring at Quang. Quang is staring at Jessica)
Eunice: We wanted to see you to tell you that you can take us out.
(Chris and Quang faint)
(After about 10 minutes they begin to regain consciousness)
Chris: Oh man. We need to seriously stop falling unconsciousness. It can’t be good for our heads.
Eunice: Well, we should probably go somewhere to eat.
Chris: Ok, I’ll drive. Just incase Quang catches on fire.
Quang: Fine, but I’m in the back.
Jessica: Second.
Eunice: Looks like i’m in the front.
Chris: Ok. Next stop Vegas.
Eunice: It doesn’t exist.
Chris: Well, on to that Restaurant over there.
(Chris starts the car and drifts around the tree to face the general direction of the restaurant)
Eunice: Wow that was amasing.
Chris: You’ll find I’m full of surprises.
(Chris drives off to the front of the restaurant)
Chris: We’re here.
Jessica: Ok. Maybe we should, you know, get some seats.
Quang: I hope they aren’t full.
(Chris slaps the back of Quang’s head)
Chris: We’re the only one’s on earth you idiot.
(They all walk in to see God as the Chef/Waiter)
God: Hey, table for 4?
Chris: Hey God. Yeah, table for 4 please.
(God directs them to the most romantic table in the place… the only table)
Chris: So, what should we order?
Eunice: I want a salad because I’m trying to watch my weight.
Jessica: Same.
(Chris and Quang look at each other bursting with excitement)
Chris and Quang: 3 cheeseburger, 3 fries and 3 bottles of coke EACH!
God: So it’ll be 2 salads and 6 cheeseburgers, 6 fries and 6 bottles of coke.
Chris: Yep.
(God walks off and starts cooking)
Chris: So Eunice, seeing as though Quang and Jessica seem to be entertaining themselves, I was wondering if we could use this time to talk about each other.
(Quang and Jessica are simply staring at each other with a blank face)
(Eunice thinks to herself that Chris is actually a bit mature)
Eunice: Well, I like to read. I’m a vegetarian. I try to study all the time. I love going to book club and I have a pet turtle.
(Chris has a blank face)
Eunice: Well. Enough about me. Tell me about you.
Chris: Well, I like to burn things. I eat anything I see. I try to relax all the time. I love hitting Quang and I have a pet H-Bomb.
(Chris and Eunice stare at each other with content)
(Awkward scene of constant staring. Skip to commercial)
(Back from commercial)
God: Come and get it.
(Chris and Quang jump up)
Chris: I’ve got it Quang!
Quang: No I’ve got it!
(Chris and Quang fight over who gets to carry the tray to the table. Chris lets go)
Quang: Thank you.
(Quang walks past Chris but Chris trips Quang and Quang falls onto the floor)
Chris: I’ll get you, you stupid idiot!
(Chris and Quang wrestle on the floor. Meanwhile the girls are talking to each other, completely oblivious to the fight)
Chris: Stop using your nails!
Quang: Make me!
(Chris kicks Quang in the balls. Quang falls down in pain)
Chris: VICTOR!
(Chris gets the food and gives it to the girls. God looks from behind the counter shaking his head in disappointment)
Jessica: Where’s Quang?
Chris: He’s coming soon.
(Quang gets up)
Quang: Sorry about my uneventful absence. Let’s eat!
(They eat and talk and laugh. Pretty much a nice dinner with friends)
Eunice: Well, I guess we’ll see you later.
(Eunice gives Chris a kiss on the cheek. Jessica gives Quang a kiss on the cheek. The girls drive off)
Chris and Quang: SCORE!!
Narrator: “And this concludes our first adventure of Chris and Quang. Be sure to check out the sequel.”
END
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images: music+pixels
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8:23 PM / Sunday, September 6, 2009
Narrator: “It was now obvious that Chris and Quang were not ready for women being the savage beasts they are. Chris and Quang will have to think of even more clever plots to try to woo them.”(Chris finally slowly gets up)
Chris: Ah, I’m never drinking again. I mean, wake up you idiot.
(Chris kicks Quang in the stomach. Quang also slowly gets up)
Quang: Whoa, what just happened?
Chris: I think we just got the shit beat out of us by two women.
Quang: Cool. That means they actually touched us.
Chris: Score. We’re slowly wooing them. Let’s celebrate.
Quang: ROADTRIP!
Chris: What the hell retard. Cars haven’t been invented yet.
Quang: Oh yea, my bad.
Chris: Well, we are one step closer into getting into their pants. Some would say our hands are one inch closer. And it is for these reasons why we should be celebrating.
Quang: God bless America.
Chris: What? Aren’t we in Australia?
(Chris and Quang leave the New Earth Westfield’s. As they search for a place to, they find a peculiar store)
Chris: So I was thinking that we should hire some strip…
(Quang slaps Chris and points at the building)
Quang: Can it be?
Chris: It must be. Yes, it is!
Chris and Quang: It’s the all new McGodalds.
(Chris and Quang rush inside and walk up to the counter)
Quang: I think that I’ll have the cheese, no, the mcfatty, no, the quarter, no.
(Chris slaps Quang on the back of his head)
Chris: Hurry up man, I want to eat.
Quang: Ok, ok. Relax. I’ll have three Cheese Burgers, seven large chips and a tub of cola. What about you Chris.
Chris: I’m on a bit of a diet. Trying to watch my weight. I’ll have a filet-o-fish burger since that has fish, which is healthy I think. I’ll also have one large chips but only filled to half way, only HALF way. And I’ll have a bucket of HALF diet-coke HALF normal coke. I’m trying to watch my figure.
(Chris and Quang receive their food and put it on God’s tab because they are tight asses)
Chris: Finally, some good food.
Quang: Yeah. None of these ‘healthy’ meals which are ‘good’ for you.
Chris: You know what, it think McGodalds is going to hit big and spread over millions of cities and people are going to like it so much they’ll become obese and get diabetes.
Quang: You’re talking crazy talk.
Narrator: “After Chris and Quang had finished their food, they left their waste on the table, because they are tight asses. They then decide to build a wooden object to try to impress the women.”
Chris: Hey look, a tree. Maybe we could ask it for its wood.
Quang: I never knew trees could get wood.
Chris: Quang you idiot, they are made of it.
Quang: Oh, I thought you were speaking about a different type of wood.
Chris: Whatever. Come on, let’s get some wood and try to impress the girls.
Narrator: “After countless hours, Chris and Quang had completed their wooden object and were very impressed with themselves.”
Chris: Feast your eyes on it Quang.
Quang: What is it?
Chris: It is a wooden horse.
Quang: I can see the wooden but not the horse.
(Chris and Quang focus on the wooden object to find out that it is a large wooden penis)
Chris: What, how can this be?
(Chris gets out the instructions manual)
Chris: According to this IKEA manual, it should be some sort of Trojan horse.
Quang: I never knew that IKEA existed. I never knew Switzerland existed.
Chris: Again with the questions.
Quang: Well, what now?
Chris: I guess we go find the girls.
Quang: But you don’t have a license.
Chris: You don’t need a license to operate a penis.
(Chris and Quang slowly roll off into the distance)
Narrator: “Meanwhile, Eunice and Jessica were tanning themselves at the beach which God miraculously conjured up.”
Eunice: It’s about time I got a good tan.
Jessica: Should I be wearing anything?
Eunice: Yes. We are ladies, not whores.
Jessica: What’s a whore?
Eunice: It is someone who will do anything to be paid.
Jessica: Ok. Where are my clothes?
Eunice: There are. Wait. We were never given clothes. We have been walking around naked.
Jessica: I knew but I couldn’t be bothered telling you.
(The women, realising that they were naked, found some clothes and continued to tan. Suddenly, Chris and Quang enter)
Chris: Look out! Wood coming through!
Quang: Chris!
Chris: Look out!
Quang: CHRIS!
Chris: What?
Quang: We aren’t moving.
Chris: Oh.
Eunice: Oh great. They’ve returned.
Chris: Fear not beautiful ones. Don’t be afraid of our transport vessel.
Jessica: Isn’t it a large wooden woody?
Chris: It may be. But it is our gift to you.
Eunice: You idiot. Pornography hasn’t been invented yet.
Quang: I told you it was a stupid idea.
(Chris slaps Quang in the face)
Chris: Shut up you idiot. We need to use this to get some action.
Eunice: You’re going to do more then that.
Chris: I wasn’t talking to you.
(Eunice looks angry)
Chris: So Quang. We need to come up with a plan.
(Quang begins to look scared)
Chris: I was thinking that we should get some candles.
(Quang looks terrified and begins to point behind Chris)
Chris: What’s wrong with you, you retard?
(Bo turns around and there is Eunice with a 2 by 4. Eunice beats the shit out the Chris. Quang runs away scared for his life. Eunice and Jessica leave whilst Chris is motionless and bleeding on the ground. A bird craps on Chris’s head)
Quang: Chris? Are you alright?
Chris: Do I look alright to you?
(Chris slowly gets up)
Chris: Where did the girls go?
Quang: Some place called ‘Supre’.
Chris: I thought they said they weren’t whores. They are hypocrites.
Quang: What’s Supre?
Chris: I think you’re better off not knowing.
Quang: What should we do now?
Chris: You know what! We aren’t going to find them. We are going to stay here, create a campsite and wait for them.
Quang: What if someone else gets to them before us?
Chris: Who else is there?
Quang: That guy.
(Quang points to Chuck Norris)
Chuck Norris: You should not fear me. I will not take your women from you.
Chris: Then why are you here o awesome one?
Chuck Norris: I am here because my awesomeness couldn’t be contained in my prison cell in heaven. I managed to get out by round-house kicking God in the stomach.
Quang: You managed to kick God?
Chuck Norris: Of course I did. I’m Chuck Norris.
Chris and Quang: Wow!
Chuck Norris: Now I must be off. I am needed in Vietnam to kill some communist Viet Cong.
(Chuck Norris flies off into the distance)
Chris: Anyway, we should start making camp.
(Chris and Quang spend 10 hours creating a camp. The camp is made up of two houses, a fire and a large pole in the middle)
Chris: It is magnificent!
Quang: Wait, do we have any electricity or fresh water?
Chris: Electricity hasn’t been invented yet and we never drink. That is what makes us awesome.
Quang: Your mum’s awesome.
Narrator: “And thus, the ‘your mum’ joke was invented. It would be reused again by a boy called Christopher Hasouros. He will become a man of great randomness. Anyway, now Eunice and Jessica had been walking for kilometers and were getting tired”
Eunice: I am so tired.
Narrator: “They then realised that Chris and Quang had created a camp. But they decided to keep walking. Ironically they had walked in a large circle and were at the camp site”
Chris: Now, we need to hunt for food.
Quang: So we don’t drink but we still have to eat?
Chris: Of course you idiot. Now grab that spear and follow me.
(Chris and Quang walk through some trees and Chris spots the girls)
Chris: Look Quang. Our first catch of the day.
Quang: What is it? A deer? A Squirrel?
Chris: Nay. It is anything far more beautiful.
Quang: Your mum?
Chris: No. Women. Wait.
Quang: Ha ha, you just implied that your mum isn’t a woman!
(Chris slaps Quang on the back of the head)
Chris: Shut up you idiot. Now you’ve ruined the joke.
Quang: Oh sorry everyone.
Chris: Stop talking to them. They don’t know we can hear them.
Quang: Oh. Ok.
Chris: Ok. Now we need a plan to capture our prey.
Quang: Why don’t we spear them?
Chris: No. We need to woo them first before doing that. I think we should use this tiny net to catch them. First I’ll distract them and you throw the net.
Quang: Oh oh. I want to do the distraction.
(Quang puts on a cute face)
Chris: Ok. I guess it doesn’t matter who does the distraction. Ok take positions.
(Chris sneaks behind the girls next to a tree. Quang gets ready to jump out in front of them)
Quang: Whispering Hey Chris, check this ou… whoa!
(Quang stacks it and falls in-front of the girls)
Eunice: Eek. It’s that freak again.
Jessica: Hey, don’t be so mean.
(Jessica runs to Quang to help him up)
Jessica: Not everyone can jump properly. You’re being racist.
Eunice: How can I be racist when there aren’t any races?
Jessica: What?
Quang: NOW CHRIS!
(Chris jumps behind the girls and chucks the tiny net at them. It land on Eunice’s head)
Chris: Ha! We have caught you. Now who’s the stupid one?
(Eunice takes the tiny net off her head and chucks it at Chris. Chris gets hit in the eye by the corner)
Chris: Blast! Foiled by my own net!
Eunice: Come on Jessica. I think I know where we can find some shelter.
(Eunice and Jessica walk off)
Quang: How much walking do they do? Are they some sort of athletes?
Chris: No you idiot. They are probably on their periods.
(The writer gets beaten up by a bunch of women)
Chris: I now have this sudden urge to go expel some urine.
Quang: Yea, I need to take a dump.
(Chris and Quang walk into the public toilet. Chris walks into the urinal. Quang walks into the cubical)
Chris: Hey Quang. Check what it says on the wall. ‘For a good time call Quang’s Mum on 0416583943’.
Quang: Oh yea, well it says here ‘For a good time call Chris’s Dad’.
Chris: EW, gross man. Don’t you know your talking about God?
Quang: Whatever.
Chris: Well I’m done. I think we need to try to impress the girls with our intelligence.
Quang: Yea, cause they’re like all brainy and stuff.
Chris: Come on. We’ll think about stuff on the way to their shelter.
(Chris and Quang walk out of the public toilets. They enter the girl’s shelter)
Chris: Hey ladies.
Eunice: Oh, great. You found our shelter.
Chris: But this is our shelter.
Eunice: No it’s not. Yours is just that hole over there.
(Eunice points to a hole which has two deeper hole used for beds)
Chris: Oh yea. Anyway, did you know that people eat an average of 8 spiders in there life whilst they are asleep?*
Jessica: EW.
Quang: Oh yea. And did you know that Dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure apart from humans?*
Eunice: You’re both sick.
Chris: Also, did you know that daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples’ anal gases?*
Eunice: Wtf.
Quang: And during an hour’s swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.*
Eunice: That’s it. Get out!
(Eunice throws her shoe and them. Chris and Quang run away fearing their lives)
Quang: Man, what’s up her panties.
Chris: Well there used to be blood.
(The writer again gets mauled by a group of angry women)
Narrator: “And this concludes the first part of the ‘Legend of Chris and Quang’. This abrupt ending has occurred as the writer of this story, Chris, has gone to Greece for 3 weeks. So sucked in everyone else who has to go to school! WOOHOO PARTY!”
(Someone whispers in the narrator’s ear)
Narrator: “Hm…yes…What? He’s back? Shi…Ok. We continue this epic story, or battle if you will. But not battle compared to a DotA battle. There are some intense battles going on over there……”.
(Narrator is bashed for mentioning DotA)
Chris: Dude, maybe we should just give up.
Quang: Yea, what were the chances of two idiots hooking up with two girls?
(Chris slaps Quang on the back of the head)
Chris: You’re the only idiot around here idiot.
Quang: Oh yea, well you’re a butt-head.
Chris: Your mum’s a butt-head.
Quang: Hey! Don’t take my joke!
(Quang jumps on top of Chris and starts trying to kick him)
Chris: Get off me you idiot!
(Chris kicks Quang in the nuts. Quang lays unconscious on the floor)
Chris: Well. Now what?
(A ball fly’s out of no-where and hits Chris in the nuts. Both Chris and Quang now lay unconscious on the ground. After some time Quang gets up)
Quang: Oh, my balls. When will this end!?
(Chris gets up slowly)
Chris: That’s the last time I get hit by someone’s balls.
Quang: Come on Chris, let’s go home. I guess we are just doomed to never hook up.
(God looks down on them with pity. He changes the girl’s minds to allow them to go out. This process takes hours as girl’s minds are the most complex things in the world. The writer gets hit by a fridge, thrown by feminists)
Eunice: You know what? I think that we should give those two morons a chance. Maybe they can be sensible in a formal matter.
Jessica: Oh oh oh. What dress should I wear?
Eunice: We don’t have any dresses.
(Eunice and Jessica look at each other excited, a bit too excited)
Eunice and Jessica: SHOPPING SPREE!!!
(Queue moans for any boys out there)
Eunice: Where should we go first?
Jessica: What should we get?
Eunice: Nothing too nice, it is only the first date.
Jessica: We should just wear jeans and a nice top.
Eunice: Sure. Here’s a jeans shop now.
(Eunice and Jessica walk into the shop)
Narrator: “I have been called here to announce a message to any readers out there. If you thought the creation of the planets was long, you obviously haven’t been jeans shopping for girls. If you manage to get one pair in a day, congratulations.”
(After 1 week, Eunice and Jessica walk out with 1 pair of jeans each and 1 top each. P.S: Not bought from SUPREE, they aren’t cheap asses)
Jessica: Ok, now all we need to do is find these guys.
Eunice: That’s easy. If I know men, their main weaknesses are cars and beer.
(Eunice whistles and a car filled with beer drops from the sky)
Chris: Whoa! Sudden…Urge…To…Run…This…Way!
Quang: Same! Slowly…Getting…Pulled…Towards….General….Area…
(Chris and Quang fly off towards the girls. Before they have a chance to stop they hit the car)
Chris: What the hell? Where did this come from?
Quang: So metaly and so…so… Beautiful!
Chris: And look! Beer!
Quang: What’s beer?
Chris: How would I know? Just get some!
(Chris and Quang jump into the car and try to grab a can of beer. Whilst this is all happening the girls are standing there)
Eunice: Ah, guys? Guys? GUYS!
(Chris and Quang poke their heads out of the pile of beer cans.
Chris: Hey, what are you doing here?
Eunice: Well it is my car?
Quang: What? Girls can’t drive.
(The writer is again mauled by a group of feminists)
Chris: Something tells me you’re in a lot of trouble Quang.
Quang: Why?
(Quang spontaneously combusts)
Quang: AHH! I just spontaneously combusted!
Chris: Told you so.
(Chris pours beer over Quang to kill the fire)
Jessica: But I thought alcohol enhances fires.
(They all look at Jessica confused)
Jessica: I mean. I wonder how I look in pink.
Eunice: Wait, alcohol does enhance fires.
Quang: Hey, as long as the fire is gone I’m happy.
(Eunice being right, Quang spontaneously combusted again)
Quang: AHH! Not again!
(Jessica pours water over Quang. The fire dies)
Quang: Thanks.
Jessica: Don’t mention it.
(Awkward silence)
Chris: So, why did you want to see us?
(Eunice looks at Jessica. Jessica is staring at Quang. Quang is staring at Jessica)
Eunice: We wanted to see you to tell you that you can take us out.
(Chris and Quang faint)
(After about 10 minutes they begin to regain consciousness)
Chris: Oh man. We need to seriously stop falling unconsciousness. It can’t be good for our heads.
Eunice: Well, we should probably go somewhere to eat.
Chris: Ok, I’ll drive. Just incase Quang catches on fire.
Quang: Fine, but I’m in the back.
Jessica: Second.
Eunice: Looks like i’m in the front.
Chris: Ok. Next stop Vegas.
Eunice: It doesn’t exist.
Chris: Well, on to that Restaurant over there.
(Chris starts the car and drifts around the tree to face the general direction of the restaurant)
Eunice: Wow that was amasing.
Chris: You’ll find I’m full of surprises.
(Chris drives off to the front of the restaurant)
Chris: We’re here.
Jessica: Ok. Maybe we should, you know, get some seats.
Quang: I hope they aren’t full.
(Chris slaps the back of Quang’s head)
Chris: We’re the only one’s on earth you idiot.
(They all walk in to see God as the Chef/Waiter)
God: Hey, table for 4?
Chris: Hey God. Yeah, table for 4 please.
(God directs them to the most romantic table in the place… the only table)
Chris: So, what should we order?
Eunice: I want a salad because I’m trying to watch my weight.
Jessica: Same.
(Chris and Quang look at each other bursting with excitement)
Chris and Quang: 3 cheeseburger, 3 fries and 3 bottles of coke EACH!
God: So it’ll be 2 salads and 6 cheeseburgers, 6 fries and 6 bottles of coke.
Chris: Yep.
(God walks off and starts cooking)
Chris: So Eunice, seeing as though Quang and Jessica seem to be entertaining themselves, I was wondering if we could use this time to talk about each other.
(Quang and Jessica are simply staring at each other with a blank face)
(Eunice thinks to herself that Chris is actually a bit mature)
Eunice: Well, I like to read. I’m a vegetarian. I try to study all the time. I love going to book club and I have a pet turtle.
(Chris has a blank face)
Eunice: Well. Enough about me. Tell me about you.
Chris: Well, I like to burn things. I eat anything I see. I try to relax all the time. I love hitting Quang and I have a pet H-Bomb.
(Chris and Eunice stare at each other with content)
(Awkward scene of constant staring. Skip to commercial)
(Back from commercial)
God: Come and get it.
(Chris and Quang jump up)
Chris: I’ve got it Quang!
Quang: No I’ve got it!
(Chris and Quang fight over who gets to carry the tray to the table. Chris lets go)
Quang: Thank you.
(Quang walks past Chris but Chris trips Quang and Quang falls onto the floor)
Chris: I’ll get you, you stupid idiot!
(Chris and Quang wrestle on the floor. Meanwhile the girls are talking to each other, completely oblivious to the fight)
Chris: Stop using your nails!
Quang: Make me!
(Chris kicks Quang in the balls. Quang falls down in pain)
Chris: VICTOR!
(Chris gets the food and gives it to the girls. God looks from behind the counter shaking his head in disappointment)
Jessica: Where’s Quang?
Chris: He’s coming soon.
(Quang gets up)
Quang: Sorry about my uneventful absence. Let’s eat!
(They eat and talk and laugh. Pretty much a nice dinner with friends)
Eunice: Well, I guess we’ll see you later.
(Eunice gives Chris a kiss on the cheek. Jessica gives Quang a kiss on the cheek. The girls drive off)
Chris and Quang: SCORE!!
Narrator: “And this concludes our first adventure of Chris and Quang. Be sure to check out the sequel.”
END